A Journey, Indeed

A Constant Struggle

I’ll never forget the day I started my first diet. I was nine years old, and weighing in at a plump 126 pounds. As I stepped on the scale at my pediatrician’s office and watched the scale reveal those horrifying numbers, I quietly dabbed my tears on the sleeve of my Tweety Bird sweatshirt. If someone would have told me then that I would struggle with my weight for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t have believed them.

Nonetheless, my weight struggles and body image issues followed me around my entire life. After several months of dieting and strict limitations by my parents, I lost a measly 11 pounds and reached 115 pounds; a size nearly 40 pounds heavier than all of my friends.

It was then that I realized that I would forever be different. Now, let’s not forget that I’m 5’9” (this, of course, was always my favorite excuse for why I weighed so much), so I'll always weigh more than those cute little petite girls that I’ve always wanted to look like.

As I entered middle school, I was still a bigger girl, but not nearly as big as the “fat” girls in my school. These poor girls were much bigger than I, and had serious self-esteem issues. I wonder if they knew that someone half their size was going through the same torment as they were? Probably not.

Even in my early years of high school, I was bigger, but still a cute girl. I wore about a size 13 and “large” shirt size, so I could still squeeze my way into the trendy junior fashions.

Losing Control

It wasn’t until the summer between my junior and senior year of high school that things took a turn for the worse. During that summer, I gained about 30 pounds, putting me at 210 pounds. Think that’s bad? Just wait, it gets worse. As my senior year continued, I packed on an unsettling amount of weight.

At my high school graduation ceremony, I crossed the stage at 251 pounds, and honestly believed that I looked good. It wasn’t until a month and a half later that I woke up and faced reality.

One afternoon, I was walking to my bedroom at my parent’s house, and caught a glimpse of my body in the bathroom mirror. It was then that I finally saw myself, or whoever that giant girl was. I was shocked. I locked myself in my bedroom, and cried myself to sleep at 5:30 p.m.

The next day, I decided it was time to transform myself. I started an intense diet and exercise program that would yield me unbelievable results. In only 45 short days, I dropped 40 pounds, and started my first day of college at 211 pounds.

Throughout college, I gained and lost steadily; my weight ranged anywhere from 211 pounds to 175 pounds. Upon graduating from college, I was 195 pounds and ranging between a size 14 and 16. 

Where I'm at Now

Now, nearly three years later, I am 100 pounds lighter and wearing a size 6, but still not satisfied with my body image. I know what you’re thinking, what more do I want, right? Yeah, I often think the same thing. I wish it was that easy to see the progress I’ve made, but I suffer from a psychological condition called Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).

This condition is very prominent among those with eating disorders, as well as young people whose bodies undergo a total transformation. With this condition, you only see the way you really look, sometimes. Other times, I look in the mirror and see that sweaty, 18 year old, 251 pound girl.

However, with regular reassurance exercises, I’ve managed to live a healthy, normal life with this condition. Although BDD sometimes gets the best of me, I usually feel back to normal the next day. In a way, I hate BDD, but in another way, I love it; it’s almost like a really annoying trophy of the success I’ve made.

Now What?

Now that I’ve gotten my weight to a healthy place, I’ve been focusing heavily on exercise and nutrition. I work out about 4 times per week, and cook healthy recipes that I spend hours searching for on Pintrest, and pin to my Nutrish & Delish board. You can view all of my favorite recipes and workouts that actually work right here on my blog!

My goal for you, and myself, is to live each day to the fullest. By getting your mind and body in the right place, you can do just that.